Wednesday, January 18, 2012

What's wrong with me? What I've done?! :(

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what I've done to myself and even to other people especially my friends that loves me and really care about me. :( I go againsts them,to every words they say. :( Felt so down for 2 weeks already. Aahh! Fuck lah. :'/ I really want to be happy again,like before. But challenges keep coming to me. Aku jatuh habis tau tak? Byk kwn2 yg bantu aku utk terus kuat hadapi semua ni. Tapi aku tetap mcm ni. Degil and ikutkan sgt kata hati. I'm still crying over it. I'm still hoping for something that has gone away.

I have lost my love,my everything,yet i almost lost my friend. I think so. :'/ Eh. I really want to move on but it just like i still can't do it. Like i said,i still put some hopes. Hmm.. He said i can be strong like before. Yes i can,but it's different compare to the last time i get hurt. Situasi x sama pun tau x?! That's what's make it's hard for me to move on. No one ever know what happened to me. I've changed alot. I wonder who wanna be with a girl like me and will accept me as who i am. :( That's what i afraid of. Silly me. -.-'

I still remember i cried in front of my friend,in front of the Woodpecker,that night. I just can't stand and hide that i'm dying inside. I get drunk a bit. A bit okay? But i'm still alright. Still can drive home safely. =.=' Zzz.. God still loves me huh? I'm still alive till today. Ha ha.~ =.=' I still remember what my friend told me that night. He comforts me and try to open my eyes to see things clearly. He said everything is over but i told him,i know everything is over,but my love for *him* is not over yet.

That night,my other friend also get mad of me. I was like~ WHAT THE FUCK?! This person also tried to bring me back to the reality. I'm crying in the toilet of the bar where it just the only place where i think could be the place i'm being alone for a while. I cried a lot that night. I was so down you know?

There's so many things that keep reminds me of him,the one that got away. Lately i keep listen people say "my angel" to me. Secara tak sengaja one of my friend say that to me. Terkejut jugak la. Then my sister say that words also. My God! What's going on with them?? Then,i keep on listening to sad songs. Then i cried myself to sleep. Anytime la. My sleep time also dah x menentu skrg ni. I sleep anytime i want. Hmm...

I know,i got many friends that loves me more than i love myself. Hah. I could i expect that. Terasa hina sbb terasa diri ni lah budak paling jahat antara mereka semua. Haha. Tlg lah. My classmates semua nya budak baik ok? They don't keluar mlm like i did,don't drink,don't go to night club (i never go to that place yet),they also don't do something that can humiliate themself la. Aduh.. Then my others friends,they are so kind. Religious a bit. Ha ha. You know i know la who i mean. :D There goes "MY GUARDIAN ANGEL". Dari dulu sampai skrg. It just like,dia selalu tau bila time aku sedih walaupun aku tak bagitau yg aku tgh sedih. Even time aku sakit and tak dtg sklh hari tu pun,dia tau. Entah mcm mana la dia tau,sdgkan dia jauh kat Kuching. Pergh~ Hmm.. Kwn2 dah cuba byk cara utk sedarkan aku supaya jadi lebih kuat. Naah.. It is not that easy as they thought. :')

Dlm aku bersedih,byk juga perkara yg buat aku rasa gembira wlupun gembira itu hanya smentara. Bkn aku x hrgai setiap saat aku brgembira,tp percayalah,kesedihan itu lebih terasa berbanding dgn saat gembira yg aku rasai. Smpaikan aku teringin sgt nak pergi jauh dr org2 yg berkaitan,dr tmpat ni. Tp aku tak dpt. =.='

Skrg ni,rasa bersalah aku kat sorang kwn trsgt la tebal. Aku dah buat dia kecewa dgn aku diri aku yg tak masuk nasihat. Smpaikan dia mrh,aku blh pulak mrh dia balik. I'm sorry buddy. :'( Didn't mean to hurt you.

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Asheyraf Adymss said...

I know its been rough for this few weeks and i dont have the details about what REALLY happened to you my dear, but life always trying to knock us down no matter what. But we chose to stand up against it, we tried our best to make our own life better and of course if you face the problem by urself and stay down it'll affecting the people around you too. As ar as i concern, eventho im not there beside you, i always wanted to be ur shoulder to lean on my dear :D about friend that you've been scold go and apologize to him and make up :). My life been suck too, sometimes i'm whining about it but when i think about it again, Fuck it!! XD

Christie V said...

He already read this. He told me he's not mad at me anymore. So yeah. I felt so relieved but still,i feel so in guilt. :) I really want to get up back,but i'm still put some hopes where the hope kills me inside.

Asheyraf Adymss said...

atta girl, dats my strong :D we all have problems especially the FUCKED one,..waitt no,..ffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!

Christie V said...

Hahaha. Fuck yeah. :'D