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Sunday, April 8, 2012

Miserable Me



What should I do? I kept asking myself this question within this 2 weeks. *sighing* Like I don't know what to do on myself. You know,I feel insecure with this feeling of mine. Hey,it's been more than 3 months I being a single lady. Hoho. Never thought it would be this long. Like wow,I can survive. =.='

You know,when you're truly loves someone but they're gone from your life,it's so hard to forget them and all the memories with them. Your love are still there,in your heart,for them. Like no one else can never replace their place in your heart. :') This happened to me.

After he gone,my heart were closely close. So hard for me to accept other guy in my life. No matter how hard they tried to steal my heart,no matter what they did to get my attention,no matter what they said,my heart still belong to him.

I'm willing to wait for him to come back to me,eventhough i know,he will not coming back. But it's not that wrong to keep on hoping right? Few months past,my hope fading little by little. Until the day he decide wanna become a stranger to me,I took few days to accept his decision. I told him to meet me,and yes,we did. On April 5,on our exactly 3 months break up,I decided that day is gonna be last time I meet and saw him before we become completely stranger like he wish.

That day,he wore the shirt that he wore on our first time hang out together at the beach,where at that time,we're still friend. I wanna cry and say in my heart,that this time is gonna be the last time I see him in this shirt,and this time is gonna be the last time we watch the sunset together. :'( You know ka how exactly I felt,sitting near him and tahan air mata dr gugur in front of him?

When we sat beside the beach,I look around me sambil tahan air mata. Same goes happened when we duduk at kedai makan near to the beach and when we took a walk kat tepi pantai. Time tu la,he grab my hand and brought me to the jetty. I just followed like a dumbass with my tears on my eyes. =.='

At the jetty,I turn my back on him,i cried silently. I don't know whether he noticed it,because I covered my face with my hair and don't do any sound to let him know that i'm crying. Suddenly he voice out his thought,he said,"I have thought deeply and i decided.." He stopped there,and I just patiently wait for him to continue his words but he don't. Then i asked him,"what did you decided?" He turned me on to look at him,and suddenly he whispered at my ear,"Be mine?" I dropped my tears in a second. Speechless,confused,and happy,all in one. I looked deeply in his eyes,he just wanna cry but I know,he just hold back the tears.

Kenapa baru sekarang? Lepas 3 bln semuanya berlalu. What did makes you change your mind? Kan hari tu you asked me to stay away from you,but now you wanna me back? Why me? Why not other girl that you leaved after me? They also loves you. [But I'm sure their love for him not as strong as my love for him. :)] Apa jaminan yang dia takkan pergi sekali lagi? Would he be a lover if i accept him? All these I asked to him.

He said,he just don't want me to move on because he knew that I still love him. He just don't want to lose me because he knows once something gone,it's hard to get it back. There's no guarantee that he wouldn't leave me again and he say he can try to be a lover. Yeah,dari dulu lagi pun he keep on trying. Hmm.. I can't do any thing. I just stood there and cried stupidly when he hugged me and kissed my forehead.

I'm in a big dilemma. I need time to think deeply about this. Went back home and find friends to help me out. Some of them don't agree if I be with him again. Some of them say why not accept him? But above all that,they say it's up to me. Fikir punya fikir,then i told myself,why not accept him? Kan ini apa yang aku mahu and harapkan,apa yg aku minta,and apa yang aku doakan? God has give him back to me,but I'm hesitate to make decision. I've make a decision,there's no guarantee but i'm willing to take the risks. Today,I asked him,is he that serious wanna be with me again,but he said no. Okay. I. Was. Really. Upset. And. Sad. :( Why? Is he hesitate again with his decision? He say yes. Dah agak dah that he will feel hesitate with his decision. Mcm la aku tak tau dia tu mcm mana. I know him very well even baru setahun lebih kenal him. :') Okay,I'm giving him time to think about this over again. Whatever his decision that he gonna make after this,I am ready for it. If he say yes,then I'll be with him. But if he say no,then I'll move on. I mean it this time,I'll move on.

I'd had enough with this thing. I've put myself on miserable condition for these few days. I can't stand it. Someone told me,I've changed,drastically. Drastic changes. I'm not as happy as before,no more jokes,no more laughs,no more smile. Haiz.. This is me,buddy. This is what happened when I lost someone that I love. Have problem with that? Ignore me then. Better mind your own business. :'/



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